Which one am I in? That's easy - Currently Not Driving Because Of Far Too Much Rage

In 2004, according to National Statistics Online, three-quarters of households in the UK had access to at least one car. That works out to one heck of a lot of cars - over 26 million, in fact. And, obviously, that means that there's a lot of people driving those cars, all of whom have passed their driving test.

Given how legendarily difficult the driving test is (how many people do you know who passed first time, and how much did it cost them?), it seems entirely bizarre that there's such a wide range of driving abilities and attitudes on Britain's roads today. Luckily for the purposes of bureaucratic pigeonholing, all of these drivers fall into one of several easily-definable categories. Let's look at them here.

The Nervous Driver
Nervous drivers can come from any section of the population, but all have one thing in common - being behind the wheel is a thoroughly terrifying experience for them. Every other driver on the road is a threat to them, every corner a death trap. They can be spotted quite easily - not only by their speed (approximately tractor speed on most roads, increasing to a truly brave 45 mph on dual carriageways), but also by their hands rigidly clasping the steering wheel, eyes wide and staring, and jaws firmly clenched together to try and prevent themselves screaming.

The Office-On-Wheels Driver
Some people are busy. Some are very busy. And some are apparently so busy that they cannot let up from their working day even for a second. This means that while they are driving in to the office, they will be constantly on the phone - sometimes handsfree, but not always - setting up meetings, scheduling brainstorming sessions, dictating reports and very possibly conducting job interviews. All of these people are waiting patiently for that day when speech synthesis and output have advanced so far that they will be able to fit a laptop into their car and carry out any work-related task while on the move. This kind of driver is to be pitied. After all, if they are really this busy, then presumably their every waking hour is spent on their job. Even when little Jimmy wants to play out in the garden, the response must be "no, my poor deprived son. I must finish my fiscal analysis spreadsheets."

The Perfect Driver
Perfect drivers know that they're perfect. They don't speed (much), they don't do too much in the way of showing off on the roads, and they're very aware of their fuel economy and vehicle maintenance. Their only problem is that this makes them painfully aware of the shortcomings of every other driver on the road. Do your best not to be a passenger of this kind of driver, as you will quickly tire of the pitying and weary sighs emitted every time another car creeps too close, or stays in the wrong lane for a microsecond too long.

The Mercy Dash Driver
I wasn't aware that there were so many pregnant/grievously wounded/horribly infectious people in the UK outside the range of the ambulance service, but I suppose there must be. How else can we account for the vast numbers of drivers who have no option but to carve a further half second off their journey time by cutting you up on the motorway, tailgating to within an inch on a country road, and tearing towards green traffic lights in a do-or-die attempt to get through before they turn red? Or perhaps they know something we don't. Maybe the lights are never going to turn green again. You just never know.

The Driver Who Does Know There's A War On
Although there's no age limit for this kind of driver, a suspiciously high percentage of them learned to drive back when rationing was still in force. As such, they feel very uncomfortable using too much of anything, and this includes the road. If they find themselves in the middle lane of the motorway, they will stay there until the Apocalypse, if necessary. No point in using the whole road, is there? That's just greedy.

The Grateful Driver
On the other hand, some drivers are just so thankful to the road designers (or maybe they are the road designers) that they feel they have to use every single feature of the carriageway on every journey. These are the people you'll see changing lanes every 10 seconds in a heavy queue. Don't be angry at them - they're just trying not to insult the people who've made such a nice road for them.

The Driver Who Claims He Likes His Car To Be "Pimped" But Doesn't Apparently Know What It Is That Pimps Actually Do
My goodness, I do like your car. Are those shiny chrome rims on your wheels? And blue neon lights on the underside? Oh, and the sound system. Those speakers...didn't I see those onstage at The Who's last gig? Hmm. I see you've made the gearstick very twinkly as well...oh, sorry, "blinged". And the seats too, which must have taken the best part of an entire cow to cover. So how much are all these modifications worth? Really? And, tell me...how much did you spend on making sure no-one can simply break the window and nick the lot?

The Drunk Driver
Although thankfully a dwindling race, there's still far too many of this type around. The ones who "can handle a drink". The ones who "enjoy their food" (I'm looking at you, people who have half a bottle of wine with their lunch and think it won't affect them at all). Although you wouldn't think it, they actually have a lot in common with the above-mentioned Office-On-Wheels driver, in that they do something that they think won't affect them much because they're used to it. Four times greater chance of an accident, guys. Deal with it. Still, this type of driver isn't as bad as they come. For that, we must enter the lair of...

The Entitled Driver
OK, here we go. This type is, hands down, the most objectionable type of driver you will ever encounter. These are the people who think that, because they paid for their car, the fuel and the road tax, they therefore have a divine right to the road that no-one, no-one, is allowed to infringe. This is the kind of driver you'll find ranting about being caught by a speed camera and blandly asserting that "they're just there to make money". They're definitely the kind who believe that they are the sole effective judge of a safe speed on the road, regardless of the posted speed limit. (Don't believe me? Read some of the...interesting...articles on Safe Speed.) And these are also the type of drivers who treat motorcyclists, cyclists, horse riders and...well, actually, everyone except themselves...as second class road citizens, and will think nothing of roaring straight past them at top speed, regardless of safety. Stay as far away as possible.

Misc.
Everyone else. Oh, you're in this category? Really? Are you sure?