That's a nice bit of software you've got there. Would be a terrible shame if someone were to, say, break it...

I use Microsoft Outlook to check my email at the moment, mainly because it was already on my laptop when I got it, and I've inherited a World War II-style mentality from my parents which means that I never, ever waste anything that could be remotely useful. (It was only relatively recently that my mother disposed of her collection of deodorant bottle lids. I wish I was joking.) More recently, the definition of "remotely useful" that I use has shifted slightly, based on how frequently I use different programs or utilities - for example, I use Firefox rather than Internet Explorer, despite having a copy of IE, because I spend a lot of time on the Internet and Firefox is noticeably better for a number of tasks.

The chances that I'll drop Outlook, then, increase as I use email more often, but haven't yet reached the point at which it's worth switching to Thunderbird or something similar. That point did get much, much closer today, however, when Outlook decided to crash while carrying out the extremely arduous task of connecting to my Hotmail account. I sent in an error report (because I have also inherited boundless and indefatigable optimism from my parents) and got a link back for more information, which I dutifully followed.

Below is the complete text of the page that I reached.

Problem caused by Microsoft Office Outlook 2002: consider upgrading

The problem was caused by Microsoft Office Outlook 2002, which was created by Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft Office Outlook 2002 is in its "Extended Support" phase. This phase of support for Microsoft Office Outlook 2002 began on July 11, 2006. Only security-related solutions are created by Microsoft for this version of Microsoft Office.

Recommendation

Consider upgrading to the latest version of Microsoft Office to receive full support. Go online to learn how to upgrade.

We also recommend that you periodically go to the Office Update website. This will help to ensure that your computer stays updated with the latest updates to Microsoft Office.

After staring at this text for a moment, with my mouth hanging open most untidily, I then moved on to the "Was this information helpful?" section, clicked "No" as forcefully as I could manage, and entered the following text in the "How can we improve this information?" box:

How about including, you know, maybe some information beyond "give us more money so we can give you the next version of our software which will also crash at inopportune moments"? The advice "upgrade to the new version" is spectacularly unhelpful, and seems to give the impression that it is somehow normal for your software to spontaneously stop working once a new version comes out.

Of course, I made a mistake in writing this - I forgot that it is, in fact, completely normal for most software (not only that written by Microsoft, although they're one of the most notable offenders in this regard) to spontaneously stop working at any and all moments. I was enormously entertained to read this story recently, in which we discover that the usual way of dealing with computer problems on board the International Space Station is to switch it off and switch it on again. I have no doubt that in the future, when we're all using flying cars and linking up our cybernetic implants with the Internet in order to have video clips of robotic cats doing cute things projected onto our eyeballs, the same problems are going to keep on coming up, time after time. Any bets on when the Blue Retina of Death is first going to appear?