Now all we need is for Graham Norton to check whether he's available to host it

British television currently suffers from a number of problems, although you hardly needed me to tell you that. Of course, if you are the kind of person who wants to watch shows like Sell Your Garden Makeover In The Sun with Paul O'Grady, then maybe you don't think there is a problem. But then again, if you are that kind of person, I have absolutely no wish to talk to you.

Where was I? Oh, yes, television. One of the most obvious flaws is the number of reality TV shows. They tread over the same ground, largely; even the ones which have an aim in mind (beyond "make vast amounts of money") include so much bitching, backbiting, backstabbing and other things beginning with B that it's almost as if they needn't have bothered.

So what's the solution? Well, combine all the shows into one big one. That way, everyone gets all their problems out of the way nice and quickly, the public aren't confused with all the different numbers to phone, and if the channels can't decide who shows it then they all show it at the same time and people who don't want to watch it can turn the stupid TV off and go and read a book or something.

I'm pretty sure someone's already come up with this idea, so it's not particularly revolutionary. I'll tell you what is, though - the combination of a solution to this major British problem with the solution to another major British problem...

The Royal Family. Yep, that's right. I may as well say, before we continue, that I think the Queen handles an extremely demanding job very well, and I have nothing but support for her. Her family, on the other hand...well, put it this way. The monarch is effectively the country's chief diplomat. He/she does something wrong, we are looking at a Major International Incident. Frankly, it's an absolute miracle that Prince Philip has managed not to start World War III at any point during his wife's reign. And once you remember that monarchy is passed on down the family line, and that therefore the crown will pass to Prince Charles, a man who talks to plants, I think you'll see that we need a new way of looking at things.

Which is where reality TV comes in! We still need the monarchy, as it's an amazing tourist draw - but why not let the public choose the monarch? I think it's a dead cert. Auditions get held in every major city in the UK, in which people can come in and display their crown-balancing skills, their ability to wave nonchalantly from the window of a carriage, and their pronunciation of phrases like "a verrah happeh Chrestmas to you awl". If they get through that, they get onto the first televised round, in which Simon Cowell berates them for not looking cool enough while Princess Anne makes comments on their horse-riding ability.

Then, of course, we bring in the political rounds. Contestants are tested on their knowledge of global heads of state and various greetings in Zulu, then Dale Winton leads them into a mock banquet where they have to react properly to 15 faux pas from other dignitaries within a minute. At the end of each week's show, the public get to vote off whoever impressed them least, and Ant and/or Dec will console the losers with their trademark chirpiness. (People who go out in the higher rounds may get put back in to a kind of repechage round, where they can compete to be the Princess Royal.)

It might be a little tricky to get all the common reality-TV elements in, although bush tucker rounds may become "ethnic delicacy" tasting challenges; I can't quite see how to get either ballroom dancing or illicit sex into the show in any way that seems entirely natural, although this is royalty we're talking about. Contestants will, of course, all be staying in one big house where TV cameras watch over them - not so much for public entertainment as to give the contestants experience of the paparazzi.

At the end of the series, the lucky winner will be escorted in style to the throne, while the current incumbents are shipped off to some holiday home in Northumberland or something. They'll probably welcome the change, to be honest. Of course, that won't be the end of the show format; we can get at least a few months out of followup shows, and by the end of those everyone will have forgotten about the new monarch (honestly, who was the last reality TV show winner who went on to do anything more than fade into obscurity? And before anyone says "Will Young", let me remind you that a dire fate awaits anyone who does so in this place), so we can repeat the whole process all over again.

No, don't thank me, TV executives and grateful people of Britain. I'm just doing my job. Cheques for format licensing can be left with my agent.