Maybe it would work if I had actually read any Austen other than at gunpoint

I always find it amusing when my room fills up with odd things. I tend to go in phases of having interesting objects accumulating at high speed - last term, for instance, it was gadgets (I still have a pair of walkie-talkies on the floor) and careers information (if you ever want more information than could ever be required about jobs in the IT industry, you have only to ask). This term, it seems to be books.

I don't get much of a chance to read, usually, as Oxford terms are very busy and the Internet always seems more attractive in the free time that I do have. Now, though, there's several things that can catch my attention when I'm taking a break from essays. To begin with, there's The Pirates! in an adventure with Communists, a thrilling tale of adventure, politics and ham on the high seas. I've got about half way through that so far, and it's awesome. Observe:

'I much preferred that nice Mr Darwin,' said the pirate with a scarf.
'Me too. At least he didn't look like a cat crossed with a monkey.' The Captain let out an indignant snort. 'But he's a paying guest. And I suppose it's not really the done thing to run through paying guests.'
'No, Captain.'
'And stuffing him into a cannon and firing him into the sun would probably be out of the question as well?'
'I don't think the Pirate King would approve,' said the pirate with a scarf ruefully. 'You know how seriously he takes the issue of good manners.'
'Damn our piratical code of hospitality.'
'It can be a burden, sir.'

At the other end of the scale of literature currently roaming freely across my desk, I have what may well be the two books that those who know me would be most surprised to see. These are Josh Harris's Boy Meets Girl, and (sigh) Lauren Henderson's seminal work Jane Austen's Guide to Dating. Here's a sample of each. Try to guess which one's which. Oh, and which of the two I bought for myself...

Sample One

The rush of romance was intoxicating; but eventually, as with all highs, the fervor levelled off - illusion gave way to reality. Although Matt had told her that he had left his old life behind, Julia discovered that he was still living sinfully and secretly partying.

Sample Two

A man needs to feel that he is courting you. Let him worry about where to take you on the next date, and whether it will be somewhere you will like. And let him pay for at least the first few dinners. If he's a nice guy, he'll like it. It makes him feel manly, chivalrous and protective, all of which are qualities you want to encourage.

Go behind the cut to find out the answer to this puzzling question...

Not very tricky to work out, was it? Sample one is Boy Meets Girl, sample two is Jane Austen's Guide to Dating. One other question to leave you with: how on earth does one "secretly party"?