Bananas are a Communist plot put in place by the Illuminati! WAKE UP!

If your time on the Internet is restricted only to the major news sites and Hotmail, the likelihood is that you're blissfully unaware of the wonderful strand of nutcaseness that runs through it. (Then again, if they're the only sites you visit, how on earth did you get here?) The nutcaseness takes several forms, but one of the most obvious is the vast weight of conspiracy theories. The "documentary" Loose Change, for example, has received wide viewing on Google Video and Youtube, feeding the obsession that certain people have with asserting that the US Government orchestrated the 9/11 attacks.

The comments section on video sites nearly always produces a rich vein of conspiracies and wild claims, and generally includes vague exhortations to the public to see the "truth" that has been covered up, probably by The Man or someone similar. My problem with these theories is not so much that they're entirely without evidence (or indeed logical coherence) - although generally they are - it's more that they're so incredibly unoriginal. If you're going to try to tell us that all we ever knew is a lie, why on earth are you doing it with turns of phrase that we've seen a hundred times before?

Much of the blame for this can be laid on The Matrix. Although a great film, it had the unfortunate side-effect of causing conspiracy theorists to take it as tacit confirmation of everything they'd been saying. Yes! The world is a construct! We've all been fooled into submission! If you would only see for yourself what is really happening, you would be free like me! The specific problem is that The Matrix used three specific pieces of imagery to denote humanity's slavery. They were:

• Being asleep/unconscious
  
• Being like domestic animals
  
• Needing to "free their minds"

This has fuelled the conspiracy theorists, to the point where it's impossible to spend much time on the web before someone tells you to wake up, free your mind or stop being cattle/sheep. The stereotypical way of expressing this - so much so that it's become a cliché - is "Wake up, sheeple!"

My hatred of this phrase comes from several sources. First, "sheeple" is an incredibly ugly word, in the same league as "edutainment". Secondly, as described above the imagery is overused and old. Thirdly, it's extremely insulting. When did it become reasonable to suggest that anyone disagreeing with your position does not have a functioning brain? Or that they're not even human? What at first glance looks like an inspirational battle cry is really little more than a thinly-veiled crack at perceived stupidity.

I can't solve all of these problems, but I can at least help out with the unoriginality element. If you're going to insult me, you can at least mix and match the imagery that you use. To that end, I have crafted the Wake Up Sheeple Alternative Generator. It comes pre-loaded with a plethora of exhortations, on the themes of waking up, freeing minds, breaking shackles and many others; it also comes with plenty of descriptions of the person to be insulted, from various animals through to good old-fashioned idiots. Please feel free to experiment (and improve the code - it's in this page's HTML source code). Let us start the insult revolution here, comrades.

Wake up, sheeple!