My earwax removal machine (read: cotton bud and Lego Technic motor) wasn't quite such a resounding success.

Coming, as I do, from a whole line of extremely short-sighted people, it was pretty much inevitable that I would eventually need to wear glasses. I started wearing them full-time, so to speak, when I was about 14, and since then I've been through quite a few different pairs, to the point that the annual trip to the optician is like going to see an old friend.

The other trait that I've inherited from my ancestors is the habit of being unreasonably careful with money. You really don't want to go shopping with me. It takes hours and is no fun whatsoever. As regards opticians, this means that although I've had about ten different sets of lenses as my eyes have changed, I've only had five different frames (and have had about one week every other year when I go around wearing an old pair and squinting dramatically).

The last time I got new lenses was a couple of months ago, and for whatever reason the opticians kept hold of the old lenses and asked if I wanted them. And, because I never throw anything away if I have the remotest use for it, I said yes. Sadly, I didn't find any use for them; at least, I hadn't until the other day, at which point I realised that the only bits that actually matter in a pair of glasses are the lenses. Surely it would be possible for anyone to craft their own frames?

Accordingly, I spent a happy afternoon armed with some cardboard, an egg box, a stapler, a roll of sellotape and a suitably daft attitude. Here's what I came up with.

Design #1: The Mask


Perfect for the short-sighted superhero in a hurry, this wraparound design will let you fight crime, keep your identity a secret, and do a surprisingly good job of correcting your sight. (I suspect I'd be legal to drive while wearing any of the designs in this post, at least using the standard definition of being able to read a numberplate at 20m.) Although the frames do have an annoying tendency to break free from the left ear and wave around alarmingly, careful modelling of the shape of the wearer's ear should solve that little problem.




Design #2: Ze Goggles


Utilising a sophisticated "push 'em in the slot" technology to hold the lenses in place, this design is the ultimate in comfort and practicality. Well, it would be if comfort and practicality were provided by strapping bits of an egg box to your face. It is, though, probably the most stable design of the three, allowing a surprising degree of activity without sending bits of cardboard flying; moreover, the lenses are held a constant distance from the eyes, maintaining pretty good vision. And it lets you pretend to be a motorist from the early days of driving.




Design #3: Yes, It's A Box


A cynical observer might claim that this design is, in fact, nothing more than the top of an egg box, tied roughly around the wearer's ears. However, this would be a terrible slander, as it is completely untrue. Can they not see that I've also stapled a couple of bits of card under the holes to hold the lenses? This design is the most user-friendly of the three, as lenses can be swapped out in seconds. The downside is, of course, that the lenses do tend to swap themselves out at high speed if the wearer makes any unexpected head movements. Like nodding. There is also the minor inconvenience of having to look out through a hole approximately one centimetre in each direction.

In conclusion, I'm now available for business - if you happen to have any lenses that you want put in frames, I'm your man for innovative and bold new ventures. Of course, if you're after designs that actually work, you might be better off going with the professionals...