Here, have some magical pixie dust bottled water. It will automatically improve your grades.

Last night on Newsnight, BBC 2's flagship news programme, Jeremy Paxman was in fine form. Paxman is great value most of the time (people still look back fondly on his interview with Michael Howard when he asked precisely the same question fourteen times in a row because Howard wouldn't give a straight answer), but one of his interviews last night was just brilliant.

The segment in question was on the subject of "Brain Gym", a set of exercises used in schools all over Britain that claim to improve children's thought processes and attention spans. The film part of the segment was good in itself - it's available here, if you want to watch it (at least until it gets yanked back off Youtube) - but the interview with the programme's founder afterwards was brilliant. I present it here for your delectation in Youtube format, or if you'd prefer, as a transcript.

Jeremy Paxman: Well, let's see now if we can talk to the brains behind Brain Gym, Paul Dennison, who's in Los Angeles – I'm sorry we couldn't hear you a moment ago, Mr Dennison, let's just check we can hear you now – can you just explain what a "Brain Button" is, please?

Paul Dennison: We have on our bodies certain reflex points that help us organise the body and the brain, and holding these points helps to activate the developmental movements that – they're called microinterventions – to help improve the connections and circuitry, and the apparent results are, people get a better sense of where they are in space, a sense of left and right, and able to move better. We leave the explanations to the experts – we've been explaining these the best we can over the years, and we’re open to inquiry to develop the best explanations for them, but the fact, they do indeed work.

JP: Well, yes, you say in your Teacher’s Manual here, when you talk about "hookups", that they "connect the electrical circuits in the body". What, exactly, are these electrical circuits, please?

PD: Well, I – it's my opinion that we are electrical, that we do have circuits and connections, and when we bring our energy to the midline, to the central point, we are breaking out of the reflex [flings arms wide] to go from one side or the other, and bring things back to the centre where we can be calm and relaxed.

JP: It is your-

PD: And focused, and this is-

JP: You say this is your opinion, that we are electrical, Mr. Dennison-

PD: Yes-

JP: Are you medically qualified?

PD: No, I am not medically qualified, I'm an educator, but I study and read, and there are studies that show that we do have electrical – acupuncture and other procedures are based on the fact that we are – electrical circuits in the body – and we are building on the shoulders of these people who've been doing this for thousands of years.

JP: Is the fact that you're not medically qualified explanation enough for statements in this Teacher's Manual of the kind that, [reads from Manual] "processed foods do not contain water", which, you know, is arrant nonsense.

PD: We're interested in helping children and these things work, and we explain them the best we can, and we are going to edit the Manual and rewrite it, so that it's-

JP: But you can see that that's-

PD: We really appreciate the help-

JP: Absolutely.

PD: Helping us point these things out.

JP: But you appreciate that is nonsense, isn't it?

PD: [crosstalking] But I explain that this is the best of my ability to help children and to help teachers have a context for why they are doing the movements.

JP: But if your manual can contain idiotic statements like that, is there any reason to believe anything else in it?

PD: I do believe those statements are true, and time will prove that they are-

JP: And you believe processed foods don't contain water, do you?

[crosstalk – JP repeats his question]

PD: I had a context for that statement, meaning that pure water is more immediately active and available to the brain, and that I'm not attached to either, but that was the best information I had at the time.

JP: [cutting across him] Perhaps you should have said that?

PD: Hmm?

JP: Perhaps you should have said that.

PD: Hm?

JP: [almost shouting] Perhaps you should have said that-

PD: Well, fifteen years ago-

JP: -instead of saying what you did say, which is nonsense!

PD: Fifteen years ago that was the best information I had, and no-one has complained about the Teacher's Edition-

JP: [crosstalking] That processed foods don't contain water.

PD: -until this point, and we're glad that we can – we’re glad that we can-

JP: [crosstalking] Let me ask you – a suggestion – sorry to cut across you, there's a delay on the satellite, just let me ask you this – how many schools in Britain are using this programme of yours?

PD: The Brain Gym programme is upraised and loved in eighty countries around the world, and I have no idea how many schools use it, but children love it because they learn better, teachers love it because they have kids that are ready, willing and able to learn, and love to be in school, and parents like it, and these are tools that I've developed as a reading specialist, over my whole career, because I just love to see a child come to life as he learns-

JP: Mr. Dennison, thank you very much indeed.

I need hardly say that almost everything Mr. Dennison says is complete rubbish, and can be seen to be with little more than a cursory knowledge of neurophysiology. Paxman catches him explicitly admitting that his "Teacher's Manual" contains things that he knows are false, and any time that he's not producing pseudoscientific rubbish, he's appealing to our emotions by saying that he's DOING IT ALL FOR THE CHILDREN. How sweet.

It's entirely possible that doing a few stretches and muscle movements before the school day begins can reduce stress and improve attention spans, simply because the kids have to stand still and stay quiet for a few minutes. Similarly, because the teacher is paying attention to the children and directly interacting with them, the kids may well feel more of a bond with their teacher and be more motivated to work.

Even if that's true, though, whether or not the Brain Gym exercises are helpful is really pretty irrelevant. The same effects could be obtained by making the children do some standard muscle stretches - you know, the kind of thing that will actually remove some of their tension - and would not involve filling up their heads with inaccurate mystical garbage that they will have to unlearn again as soon as they do any human biology.

Oh, and it wouldn't involve handing over sums of money to someone who's seen a way to make a quick buck off schools.