The "thwack" of leather on willow, the screams of the injured...the sounds of Middle England

The Cricket World Cup is in full swing, and I really don't care.

Cricket must be one of the dullest games ever invented. 15 people stand out in a field for days on end, getting alternately baked by the sun and soaked by the inevitable rain, arguing over whether it's too dark to hurl a small hard ball at each other at speeds approaching 100mph, and basically playing a game that is so slow that the short version of it takes an entire day to play. Twenty20 is a step in the right direction, but really, cricket is something of a lost cause. Even those who really enjoy it tend to watch it either in highlights or by periodically checking the score throughout the day. And before anyone says anything about the recent events at the World Cup, those were not exciting, they were appalling and tragic. There's a difference.

So if cricket as it is now is doomed to fade into oblivion (and it is - how many of you, who were hugely excited by cricket's "renaissance" when we won the Ashes, still watch it?), how can it be revived? Well, luckily for all of us, I've come up with a few new variants on the game that will satisfy the Great British Public's unquenchable thirst for blood excitement.

Five5 Cricket
Building on the success of the rule changes that made Twenty20 halfway watchable, these new rules shorten the innings to a mere 5 overs. A new way of being given out is created ("failure to offer an attacking stroke") in order to avoid batsmen playing safe - they've only got to face 30 balls anyway, so being given out is no great hardship. In the same spirit, if batsmen hit the ball they now have to run, so they're definitely going to be slogging it for all they're worth. Leg byes are abolished in order to prevent batsmen being able to kick wide balls to the boundary, and in return, any ball that is not deemed to be heading towards the wicket is now classified as a "wide". Neither rain nor bad light stops play - either floodlights or glow-in-the-dark bats and balls take care of the latter condition, and as for the former, well, if footballers can play in the frickin' snow, a little bit of rain shouldn't be a problem. Oh, and overs are now timed - if the bowler fails to deliver his next ball within 1 minute of the previous one, the batsman automatically gets 6 runs.

Bonus Multiball Mode Cricket
This variant takes a leaf out of pinball's book by applying the same rule that makes any ball game much, much better - more than one ball is allowed on the pitch at any one time. In 2-ball mode, this is fairly simple - both batsmen are now defending their respective wickets simultaneously, and both bowlers run in at the same time. There aren't any more fielders than normal (in order to make things more exciting for them), and the wicket-keeper is replaced by the other bowler, so it's in the bowler's interest to get behind the wicket he's just run past as quickly as possible in order to try to stop the ball that is currently hurtling towards him from the other end. 3- or 4-ball mode makes things even more interesting, as now there are as many bowlers as there are balls on the pitch, and they can be bowled at either wicket at any time. Similarly, either of the batsmen can hit any of the balls at any time, so although the bowling team might want to bowl one ball, then try to bowl the batsman out as he starts running, they'd have to be careful of the fact that he'd be charging, bat in hand, straight towards the next bowler.

Spacehopper Cricket
Naah, no particularly revolutionary rule changes in this one. I just like the idea of every single person on the pitch (umpires included) having to go everywhere on a spacehopper.

Crosswise Cricket
Similar to Bonus Multiball Mode in that there are 2 balls in play, but in this case it's because there are 2 different matches going on at the same time. Essentially there are now two cricket pitches in place, one on top of the other but turned through 90 degrees so that the wickets made a cross shape in the middle. All the fielders share the same space, but a catch doesn't count unless it's by a member of the right team; batsmen can, however, be run out with the wrong ball, hopefully leading to fights between the different teams' fielders as they try to get hold of the same ball. And, of course, both bowlers have to bowl at the same time. This variant is particularly suited to modern interactive TV, as viewers could select commentary for the match on which they're currently concentrating.

Reality TV Cricket
In an attempt to truly get inside the mind of the players, the batsmen are now equipped with mini-DV cameras, and are required to provide commentary before, during and after each ball is bowled to them. That includes while they're running, of course. This might be thought to provide them with something of a disadvantage, but fortunately things are balanced out by the fact that their producer and soundman should be able to get in the way of the ball if need be. If the commentary is not up to scratch, players won't be given out, but their series won't be recommissioned - a serious blow for the merchandise sales.

Shotgun Cricket
There have always been dull sports, and there have always been attempts to get even more dull sports into the Olympics. In an attempt to get cricket into the schedule for London 2012, it could be combined with another sport entirely unwatched by anyone except those who participate in it: trap shooting. In this new and exciting variant, the contenders for the shooting medals are stationed just beyond the boundary on the pitch. A new way of being given out is created ("shot out"), which is defined as the ball being destroyed mid-flight by a shotgun blast. For obvious reasons, shooters are not allowed to aim below the top edge of the stadium, leading to a drastic reduction in players trying to loft the ball too far; in return for this restriction, any shooter who is struck by the ball must leave the competition, leading to a drastic increase in the number of players driving the ball horizontally at top speed towards the boundary. As an extra bonus, the fact that the shooters are likely to be rather nervous will lead to an increase in the sadly underused way of going out: "retired hurt".

And, of course, there could easily be combinations of these new variants, producing ever more thrilling and deadly games to fill the schedules on Sky Sports 3. Front row seats, please!